The Dev Dungeon of Paku-Paku Taberu, Puck-Man
Every part of our lives here at AstroTools is measured in bits. We aim to iterate quickly, by dressing up our lead dev in a Zelda costume and hiding him away in a dungeon behind a cardboard cut-out of Gannon. It seems to work; there have been no complaints. The strat has delivered a steady stream of small yet trendsetting features every few days, glittering our path to RC1 “Pac-Dude” with treasures. Every once in a while though, we free the princess and allow him to spend some time investing in $LINK. However this time, the reunion didn’t last long. My guess? He longed $LINK last he was let out, but our intern saved his ass and went short as he left to be put back into the dungeon. So embarrassed, he now won’t even come out when we play “The Dev Went Down to Georgia” on the ocarina. We’d like to believe this release is the culmination of him slaving away in the dungeon since, but we have a hunch this release is the work of the intern as well.
It’s a Secret to Everybody
We are all equally shocked by the surprisingly gnarly features of Release 0.7.0, whoever did it:
- Integrated Uniswap trading
- Your own pair-specific trade history
- ChartEx quick link (celebratory promo for CHART holders below)
- Zerion integration
And we need to discuss the impending Gloom:
16-bit beta passes expire on October 1st
Though we’re getting word from Hell on Earth that there may be saving grace in Our Hero Gloomguy:
SNAPSHOT & AIRDROP
Hey! Listen!
We are very proud to be the first to feature direct Uniswap trading from a DEX charting platform; everything you need, straight from within the AstroTools dashboard app. No more switching tabs, trying to find the correct swap to sell that shitcoin just in time. Now when you load up our charts and transaction history on any pair, you’re only a click away from buying or selling. Slaying your fellow degens in the race against crypto time will have you profiteering with a “COWABUNGA DUDE!” versus the losers who don’t use AstroTools.
Hey! Listen! Did you get that? There has never been a release in the history of Mother Earth where you can feel like you’re having CEX, on a DEX. Everything. Here. Charts, historical transactions, market orders against the AMM, your own trade records — all from one bloody dashboard!
Dodongo Dislikes Smoke
Face it, it’s a pain in the ass to look up your transactions unless you’re an Etherscan Wizard and simply know what the hell you’re doing. This is especially true when you need to know NOW, and are stuck in a Uniswap tab, sweating out if you should hit swap or not.
Now, it’s no smol ting!
Your wallet’s full transactional history with timestamps for the pair you’re on will load right up from our slide-out uniswap widget, and with the click of the “My Trades” button — voila, magic; the gathering of all your trades. So when you’re about to again swap spit with the shitcoin you dated last week, you can quickly double-check how well you were treated. Tell Lady Yern we said ‘sup.
MAH BOI
We’ve developed two strategic relationships and integrated their solutions into the platform. While our charts are nothing short of amazing, sometimes you need to draw Virgin shapes on your charts to execute a thoughtful trade. For these unfortunate times where you lose your Chad card, we offer a direct link to nerdery — ChartEx! For Mr. Organized, there will be no more loading up all your fancy drawing charts in one browser, and all your Uni tabs in another browser, and then a whole ‘nother browser just for AstroTools. Now you can be Brave and uninstall that one, and live on the Edge and uninstall tha… shit. Point being, you can have your better than CEX cake and eat it too.
For the next 48hrs, holders of =>4000 CHART will get complete access to AstroTool’s 16-bit tier!
But wait, there’s more! Act now and receive not one MAH BOI, but two MAH BOI! While there are no monthly fees yet (we’ll get to that Gloom in a bit — pun intended), there is another strategic relationship we’re just dying to introduce you to.
Zerion is an awesome portfolio manager and we’re linking your Metamask address directly to their platform at the click of a button. Zerion is great getting shitcoins into their platform quickly, and even better at discovering those LP tokens you go around staking everywhere. We get it. Nothing’s better than putting on the apron, wiping the brow, and having a look over at all your buds enjoying your delicious barbecue. But wait… who’s that over by that tree… is, is that Lenny.. by gosh darn that whale; how’d he get a stake?
Never again shall this go unnoticed! Damn you Lenny! Click the Zerion icon next to any transaction in a pool to instantly be Zerioned over to Lenny’s full wallet history. View his tokens, staking, portfolio performance, and every other detail you need to know to ensure you humiliate him into never coming back.
GLOOM
This is it, the experiment is over. The results are as expected — we have a lot of degens enjoying AstroTools. You’re ready. So it’s time to get kicked from beta pass bootcamp and sent out into the real world to discover 16-bit Space Anomalies. Should you choose to accept this mission, and you really don’t have a choice, you’ll need to pay for a ticket at full price. We’ve done our best to ensure the intergalactic travel to Phobos and Deimos isn’t too expensive, so we’ve subsidized your travel to only need 1000 ASTRO tokens. And really, all you gotta do is damn well hold onto your ticket the entire time. When you board the battle bus don’t listen to Gary, fek gary; he’s crotchety and mean, and his voice sucks. Keep your ticket and find a seat…
Here’s the thing though Space Cowboy, between you and me, we’re going to have to pay Gary at some point.
Did you hear that? All I heard is that the Gloom Marine is going to come and kick Gary’s ass with a hook to the left, and a snapshot to the right, and ensure at least some of our earliest/biggest supporters NEVER have to pay a monthly fee.
GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE
So ya, we know, fees… but legit businesses need to cover their operating expenses, and we definitely do not want to rely on dumping dev/team tokens to sustain operations. Thus we have some ideas on how to make this work for you, us, and that guy called Frank who keeps the electricity rolling. When we do eventually implement monthly fees, we plan to have a couple of ways for our Space Cowboys to become fully-fledged Gloom Slayers, owning a Big Fecking Token to bypass Gary’s sniveling collections-voice. Hence, we’ll snapshot our top holders, and a handful of randos, on September 30th, and if our dev allows it, reward them with the BFT airdrop they deserve. Or we’ll just ask the intern.
Until next time.
Team@AstroTools.io
